There was this guy that I like way back. It was just a happy crush ’cause I was in a relationship when I met him. I think even though I was single, it would stay like that ’cause he was also in a long-term relationship then and I knew for a fact that even if he wasn’t, he was out of my league. He was just so good looking I can’t even.
Then came the time when we were able to talk to each other, more intimate than the usual his and hellos. I saw him cry that night and it was a pain to look at. No one deserves to feel that pain. No one.
After a few months, a lot of things happened. I broke up with my then boyfriend, had tons of crushes, fyi that wasn’t so me, confessed to someone, got hurt again. It was the worst year of my life tbh.
On the start of this year, for some unknown reason, I started noticing him again. Just looking at him made me smile the whole day. I was sad on the days that I didn’t see him. That giddy feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time came back. But then, I knew that he was out of my league. Good looking guys like pretty girls. I am not one of them. But for some reason, I had the courage to ask him out on Valentine’s day and I still can’t believe that he said yes! Until this day, it felt like it was just a dream!
And now we’re together. I’m happy, really really happy. He was everything that I’ve every wanted. I know that he loves me so much because he always say it. He doesn’t forget to say good morning or good night. I always catch him staring at me with this loving eyes, then he’ll say “You’re pretty.” or “You’re beautiful.” He was my angel. If God’s true and the story about him sending guardian angels to people is true, then I consider him one. Because he’s saved me a lot of times, from myself.
And I feel sorry ’cause I can’t be the same for him. My life’s fucked up. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m trash. I’m a shitty person. I’m passive aggressive and I’ve never changed despite telling myself that I have. I love him but I’m hurting him too by just existing in his life ’cause I’m not okay. I have depression. I’m suicidal and the possibility of me leaving is haunting.
I hate myself for hurting the person that I love and I’d probably end up hurting him more ’cause I’ve never changed. I will never change.